So much More Than What It Is

Many of you know that I just returned from a 6 day vacation I had decided to take many months ago with the help of proper planning. 

What many of you don't know was that it was more than a getaway vacation for me. I've been to the lovely city of Spokane, Washington before, 

though this trip was a different kind of sorts. 

As much as I say that I am very vocal about what I say, I'm also very private in what I choose to let out and allow to stay in my heart. Prior to this trip, I'd been having a bit of a rough time internally as well as at times emotionally. 

Food makes it all better for me at any given point, though of course it's not the healthiest. 

To sum it up all in ONE word, it was the EXPECTATION that was getting to me. 

I'm expected to solve a lot of issues within my personal life and that of my career path. I'm expected to look into the future to understand my current state of mind, for which I'm just as clueless as any other human on earth. I'm expected to be on my best behavior, no matter what is said to me and in ANY tone it is given to me. I'm expected to stay STRONG for others firsthand before giving thought to my own situations. 

Everyday was being brought a new form of situation that I could only handle one by one, and even then, the stack kept growing until I finally made the leap up North. 

The first night I spent there I had to get everything out, I had to have a good cry because I couldn't get a hold of what was squeezing me so hard on the inside. Feeling so much EXPECTATION reminded me of a couple years ago when in a bitter argument I had asked my Mom (aka Mommy Dearest),

"Am I not enough for you?"

Her silence said it all.

Differences are just that, they're forbidden pieces that are NOT meant to fit in our puzzle of LIFE. Everyday that I kept waking up in Spokane I kept counting on having some sort of an epiphany that would make me soothe the pressure I kept feeling. Notice how "kept" is present during this time. It was an everyday search that made me want to seek more and ask GOD not for clarity, but ask HIM to enlighten the light in my heart, allow it to come to fruition by the time I came back to reality. 

Needless to say, I didn't want to leave the comfort of my heart's warmth while exploring more and more of what I was longing for in the cold weather of the North East, though I knew that deep inside there was a breakthrough, there was an unforeseen measurement that made me look at my time there as my continued therapy and at that point I knew I had grown more in my clarity. 

At times in a weak state of mind we ASK for strength to get us by. What we don't see at that point is that we already have the strength we so long desire, we just haven't found it's sense of use for it at the moment. Looking for answers is the least of what we should be on the hunt for. We need to look for the ability to stand up tall and know what were able to determine and separate what belongs in our hearts and what belongs in our minds.

Whatever had come with my EXPECTATION had come with baggage,

baggage of which I was able to leave behind in the abyss of cleansing waters.

So much more than what it is and so much more than what it was,

I'm glad I was able to catch myself in time before it was too late.

On the Inside

Everything shows on the outside,

our hair, our skin, our expressions, our iconography, our deceptions, our happiness.

All of which lie within us on the inside, and we bring out what we choose to make OTHERS happy.

Though when the time comes to bring out OUR opinions to challenge the world as it has challenged us, were told to hold back for there can be a backlash on what we say or do. 

To a degree I'm able to stand with this, although I've always had a mouth on me that's always wanted to challenge those who don't see the world as I seem to see it. There's nothing worse than having to go with the crowd when ALL you want to say is, "Let me show you what I see and let's try this!"

"On the outside we show the security,

on the inside we have the insecurity,

it's what holds down our foundation.

On the inside we build the walls,

on the outside we shatter and watch things fall,

it's what tears us apart in every condition. 

In our eyes we see it all,

In our hearts we feel it all,

Inside and Out we are what we are,

Human to a fault."

--->Erik Velasco

If every time I listened to every criticism about me then I can tell you straight out that I wouldn't be able to sit here and write to you about how to be able to speak your mind from the depths of your gut. I've been told to shut up, to listen to my own advice, to give a little more thought to what I'm sending out in the world, and I've been told to just stand there and do hair. I wasn't given permission to lead a vocal LIFE, nor did I EVER need permission from anyone. All I needed was the experience and the pain to make it real and have it come to LIFE on it's own. 

That's ALL we ever need in LIFE, we need our own experiences to know that what we hold on the inside is real and others should know about what's in our hearts and minds. 

Be afraid of what you might NOT be able to say,

Don't EVER be afraid of what is needed to be said.

Lead by example

To "Choose" or NOT to "Choose"

Today on Facebook I stumbled upon a video that many of my friends were sharing on their timelines, and most of them had the same question in mind, 

"Really??? People choose to be GAY?"

So of course I had 2 minutes to spare before my next client walked in and managed to view the video for myself and I have to say I found it quite interesting. 

As many of us know the nation right now is in review of Proposition 8 (for those of you not into politics like myself, though I like to research, Prop 8 deals with the right to have same sex marriage validated and legalized by the state) and I have come across MANY responses to YAY or NAY concerning the matter, ALL of whom these individuals remain friends of mine (I myself personally DO NOT judge based on opinion, for actions speak LOUDER than words) and for the most part, the individuals STILL get services performed by yours truly...funny right?!

In any case, the HOMOSEXUAL aspect of LIFE is always going to be taboo until the end of time, AND that's OK! YES...its OK! WHY????? Well, because the existence of HOMOSEXUALITY has been on this earth since the beginning of time, as GOD created black and white, he also created gay and straight, so on and so forth. 

I've heard it all,

"Ewwww you're Gay??"

"Do you like being Gay??"

"Does GOD even like Gays??"

"How do you feel about being the ONLY Gay in your family?"

Though this one is my ultimate favorite,

"Do you choose to be Gay?"

This question was posed in the video to many individuals who for some reason had the mentality that being Gay is something that is chosen by certain people, and not something you're born being. The funny part for me was when the interviewer asked, 

"When did you know you were straight?" 

The answer??? 

"I was born straight!"

Hmmmmm....WOW! 

By any means, please don't take this as a bashing on my behalf, I am simply stating that it's pretty funny to hear an oxymoron of this nature in 2013. I for myself can at least CLARIFY this aspect of the question for those who are still confused by the "You choose to be Gay" statement. 

I DO NOT know ONE person that would choose to be ridiculed by others in society. I'm sure if this was a situation that had an "On/Off" switch, 9 times out of 10 it would be "OFF". As children WE know were different, yet we need guidance in understanding what were feeling, NOT criticism and certainly NOT judgment. As teenagers, we feel the worst of it all because not only are our hormones raging, our minds are not in the right frame, were confused and want to fit in where we can. Those of us raised in spiritual homes are taught that anything out of the so-called "normal" marriage, 2 kids and a house is simply OUT of the question and we should be heathens and be sent to hell unless we change our ways to reflect "normalcy". Can someone PLEASE tell me how this frame of mind is a "sane" and "normal" slate to live by?! 

I was personally taught the steps of how to become independent and take care of myself, though I  was never shown how to LOVE myself, I was taught to resist temptation, I was taught to catch any stones thrown my way and heal internally, I was taught to survive the day by not crying my way through LIFE, I was taught to pay my taxes, bills and debts on time, I was taught to ACCEPT others for what they are, though when it came to me, I was taught to ignore myself and sacrifice my understanding for the sake of others. I was also taught to never say anything that would make me a nuisance in the eyes of my elders, and I was taught to NOT follow my heart, though I had to follow the desire of others. 

I my friends did NOT choose this, do you think someone could actually function with what I just mentioned above? The answer is YES, and I am ONE HELL of a person who took on the task of finding out what it really meant to be GOD's child. I knew I was meant for more than just "normalcy".

Being GAY isn't a choice, though LOVING yourself is. We can't choose what we feel, yet we can choose what "family" to have around us.