Wednesday, May 29, 2013

So much More Than What It Is

Many of you know that I just returned from a 6 day vacation I had decided to take many months ago with the help of proper planning. 

What many of you don't know was that it was more than a getaway vacation for me. I've been to the lovely city of Spokane, Washington before, 
though this trip was a different kind of sorts. 

As much as I say that I am very vocal about what I say, I'm also very private in what I choose to let out and allow to stay in my heart. Prior to this trip, I'd been having a bit of a rough time internally as well as at times emotionally
Food makes it all better for me at any given point, though of course it's not the healthiest. 

To sum it up all in ONE word, it was the EXPECTATION that was getting to me. 

I'm expected to solve a lot of issues within my personal life and that of my career path. I'm expected to look into the future to understand my current state of mind, for which I'm just as clueless as any other human on earth. I'm expected to be on my best behavior, no matter what is said to me and in ANY tone it is given to me. I'm expected to stay STRONG for others firsthand before giving thought to my own situations. 

Everyday was being brought a new form of situation that I could only handle one by one, and even then, the stack kept growing until I finally made the leap up North. 

The first night I spent there I had to get everything out, I had to have a good cry because I couldn't get a hold of what was squeezing me so hard on the inside. Feeling so much EXPECTATION reminded me of a couple years ago when in a bitter argument I had asked my Mom (aka Mommy Dearest),

"Am I not enough for you?"

Her silence said it all.

Differences are just that, they're forbidden pieces that are NOT meant to fit in our puzzle of LIFE. Everyday that I kept waking up in Spokane I kept counting on having some sort of an epiphany that would make me soothe the pressure I kept feeling. Notice how "kept" is present during this time. It was an everyday search that made me want to seek more and ask GOD not for clarity, but ask HIM to enlighten the light in my heart, allow it to come to fruition by the time I came back to reality. 

Needless to say, I didn't want to leave the comfort of my heart's warmth while exploring more and more of what I was longing for in the cold weather of the North East, though I knew that deep inside there was a breakthrough, there was an unforeseen measurement that made me look at my time there as my continued therapy and at that point I knew I had grown more in my clarity. 

At times in a weak state of mind we ASK for strength to get us by. What we don't see at that point is that we already have the strength we so long desire, we just haven't found it's sense of use for it at the moment. Looking for answers is the least of what we should be on the hunt for. We need to look for the ability to stand up tall and know what were able to determine and separate what belongs in our hearts and what belongs in our minds.

Whatever had come with my EXPECTATION had come with baggage,
baggage of which I was able to leave behind in the abyss of cleansing waters.

So much more than what it is and so much more than what it was,
I'm glad I was able to catch myself in time before it was too late.

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