The "Feeling" I Buried

Nothing feels as good as when you know deep inside you've buried that ONE feeling that's been a haunting sting.

White flag after white flag you start to forget what it truly means to live for your own sake. You forget what an achievement feels like, and all of the sudden everything just combines itself and it's like any other day. Everytime you get hurt it actually barely phases you, it feels like a tiny scratch because nothing compares to what the "Feeling" is and what it did to you (What I did to myself). 

The "Feeling" even began to be my home. I melted altogether to seek what was literally nothing. How can a person even get out of that state of mind you ask??? Well,  LOTS of cookies!!! I tell you, I could've endorsed Oreo and Chips Ahoy. 

LIFE seems to be a blur for a lot of the last couple years, and I usually have a good memory. Friends tell me things that I have no recollection of. I started to think of myself as one big mindless blob that couldn't remember even the past 2 years.....that's how much the "Feeling" took over. 

It used to take over at night, it used to haunt my dreams even up to the last couple months. I had a knot that wouldn't go away in my throat and a speed bump in my head that kept me right where I didn't want to be. Sad but true.

As it was put to me in one of my therapy sessions, the "Feeling" is a thin vail that kept hanging over me. As lifeless and as thin as this vail was, it had the weight of a ton of bricks with a steel foundation. No matter how many songs I wrote, how much I would drown in stories of love, or how many times I desired to rise above, I couldn't lift it until I burned the vail and buried the "Feeling", what was left of it.

I buried it in you.

"To get yourself a new life, You've got to give the other one away"

I must have a thing for "Sara's" in this world because I'm addicted to another musician named Sara...Bareilles that is!

She's inspired a few of my other blogs before, and today, she's inspired another one.

Today when I arrived to my hair shift at NBC, As I was blowing hair out for one of my news anchors, Sara came on the Today Show singing one of her songs as promotion for her new album that debuted today called "The Blessed Unrest". 

Of course I kept blow drying my news anchor, thankfully I was near finished with the blow drying part and just needed to style her, and as I was doing so, Sara's voice kept soothing us in the background. So much that just now, as I was listening to her new album, a specific song captivated me, aptly titled, "December".

Could be taken as a love song, though my interpretation is that of a person having a rough year, and all the while experiencing the urge of change just as December has set in. Even though it's usually a gloomy weathered month and can be a bit restless on our downtime, it's the month of going out with the 'OLD' and start 'NEW'. Yet December leaves a lasting impression on us being that at one point, we could control it, and there comes a point where we can't anymore. Just as Sara herself states, it's always been a 'problem child'. 

It's the perfect way to describe what most of us feel around that month. Though it's an important Holiday month, it can add the pressure of becoming one of the toughest months of the year. Change is always upon us at that time, sometime between the 26th-31st. Christmas doesn't seem to linger for some reason, and as soon as the 26th comes along, we're ready to change everything we don't want to be a part of any longer. Although we're looking forward to another year, we have a hard time letting go of the extra baggage that clings on us. We seem to want to bring it along for the ride into the following  era of 'Change'. 

It unfortunately doesn't work that way. As written and sung in this song, 

 

"Distill a whole year down into a day,
Act like we all start over with a pristine slate,
But to get yourself a new life you've got to give the other one away." 

 

Yet,

 

"And I'm starting to believe in the power of a name
Cause it can't be a mistake if I just call it change."
 

 

It CAN'T be a mistake if we WE just call it CHANGE. 

Leave the past to what it simply is and look forward to the new and soon to be improved...

should we choose to look at it that way.

Here's The Thing...

Believe in ANYTHING you want....

Do WHATEVER it is your heart desires....

MAKE yourself into whomever you'd like to become....

However....

Don't EVER blame others for your own mistakes

and

Don't EVER believe you're ABOVE anyone or anything.

Many things happen in life to where at times we cannot explain the outcome were facing right in front of us. We want to UNDERSTAND so much that it's best to just let situations unravel at their own pace. Quite the struggle right?!

 Many years ago my mentor had said this exact statement to me:

"The Holy Spirit comes with many gifts for you, and ONE of the most important he bestows upon you is the gift of UNDERSTANDING. There will come a day where you won't UNDERSTAND what's going on at the exact time you're faced with the TRUTH, yet that day will be the day you will feel you truly UNDERSTAND inside and out why things are the way they became."

Of course I felt severely confused when he said this to me, I even told him he was crazy and his CLEAR response was:

"I am crazy!! Crazy for GOD!"

He is now a Deacon and a great one might I add. 

When learning to deal with UNDERSTANDING, many forms of individuals come our way, in and out of our lives in order for us to learn from each other. Many will test us along with wanting to see what will become of us if we choose NOT to UNDERSTAND. Needless to say, buttons will be pushed to our absolute limit. of course, it's better to see things from an outside perspective and allow the action of UNDERSTANDING take its rightful place, 

no matter what our feelings are on the inside. 

  What makes this a victory is the fact that no matter what's been said and/or what's been done, CHOOSING to let others become what it is they've always wanted to become is the greatest form of UNDERSTANDING that could be shown and expressed. You let others be and take care of their own selves for once and who knows, maybe in due time they'll have their epiphany of what it truly means to UNDERSTAND others and why the world is the way it is. 

I myself have taken the responsibility of allowing others to blame their frustrations and poor choices on me... why you ask?  I know the day will come for them to face the world on their own without having a shield and they will be FORCED to UNDERSTAND the many wonders of the world's outcome. They will come to appreciate one day this gift of UNDERSTANDING for what it truly means on the inside as well as on the outside. 

NOTHING and NO ONE is greater on this earth than the one that allows us to conceptualize what it means to UNDERSTAND...and even then, we will continue to learn and teach others about our experiences for the GREATER GOOD.