It's not getting any easier going on 34...it's getting harder.
My young years and into my teens, there was a lot of hiding...my late teens and young adult years, I had to come out and convince myself of my own exploration. In my late 20's and early 30's, I'm losing people.
Losing people when I was younger wasn't as hard hitting as it is now. In my early 20's I was still discovering myself, yet still abiding by my morals and making sure I didn't push the envelope as much. I remember seeing the whole "LIFE" thing as a game until reality set in.
I wasn't allowed to be me and express my views. There's always been more to me than just being "Gay" though the fact that I'm a hair/make-up artist doesn't really help my cause much.
Behind closed doors, I'm a chip eating, blanket wearing, movie watching guy who simply loves to relax and watch the world be it's own entity. I don't live the gay lifestyle, whatever that might mean to any of you out there. I keep guarded to make sure my heart and mind stay afloat from the criticism my own career has of my craft. Most importantly I make sure to keep my communication open with the one and only who has gotten me through my toughest times...GOD.
I'm a rare breed to be Hispanic, Gay, and Faithful. I made this joke years ago that ultimately became my reality:
"I'm too Gay for the straights and I'm too Straight for the gays"
Yet I don't feel alone. I did way back when I was discovering all of my many sides. Though the reality of my sexuality has come at a cost of my faith as well.
Communication with my Mom has become extinct. She's chosen to follow her 'Faith' and refuses to see me as anything but damaged. She said it herself late last year and I can't tell you how much it STILL stings and hurts. It made me question so much and even those around me. With that, I lost a part of me that I've been unable to regain.
Inside I became angry and refused to believe that ANY love exists, especially if the love of a mother can be extinguished as fast as she ultimately did it. A friend of mine asked me this question after the incident:
"If GOD offered to make you straight to have your Mom back in your life, would you take him up on the offer?"
I said no, because GOD made me this way for a reason, HE knows that I'll survive, and ultimately, if I was straight, it would all still be a fallacy, because this is my reality and nothing I do differently would make another outcome.
Would I make people look at me differently or pay attention to what else I had to offer if I wasn't gay?
No. I wouldn't want to change me.
My 17 year old self would've said yes, yet knowing what I know now, I realize why I made decisions the way I made them. I don't regret ONE BIT who I've become.
They say it takes sacrifice to be able to reach higher ground, and as it so rightfully says in the Bible in John 14:6
“I am the way, and the truth, and the life.
No one comes to the Father except through me."
I choose to believe in a just GOD, and I continue to be who I am, someone who GOD made me to be...