Tuesday, June 27, 2017

The personal choice of letting go

I always thought that usually when it meant to "Let Go", the Universe would take care of it and *POOF*, everything was done and you were left with this void waiting for it to get filled in time.

At least, I've never taken the initiative to do so...until now.

I can't tell you the amount of time its taken me to confirm with myself that what I did, what I chose, what I really felt in my heart was the right thing to do. No loss of sleep, thankfully, if anything its been the ride to work, the ride home, when my mind isn't occupied on formulating the right color or trying to send a politically correct answer text that I'm trying to articulate to a selfish client. 

Honestly, when I sleep, I really get the rest I need. My mind shuts off and drifts into an abyss of clouds that to tell you the truth, 9 times out of 10, I don't remember where I go, and when I do, I try to see where my dreams full of premonitions fit in my current state of mind. 

The first time I chose to let go I actually kept having premonition like dreams. I kept dreaming of darkness, spider webs, sewer like conditions with lots of rain. It was one after the other for almost a week. As much as I kept trying to shake it off, I couldn't.

Then it happened.

There's only so much you can discover about yourself especially when being put in a position where there's nothing left to do but to cut the chord, to put it lightly. For weeks after I kept going over my decision and kept having that guilty feeling and saying to myself,
"Did I really make the right choice?"

I have to be honest and say that it didn't get better with time, and yet it didn't get worse. If anything it was a stagnant feeling, a very numb couple months until I could really say to myself, "O.K. I think, no, I believe this was the right thing to do."

The point overall, was that I CHOSE to let go. I didn't feel free, I felt like I was floating and wasn't seeing an end to my gravity like essence for a while. Therapy definitely helped, praying and talking to GOD was essential, and having to ACCEPT what I had CHOSEN was key. In the end, I grew to respect my own decision and as hard as it was to come to terms with it and turn every tear into a smile, was it worth it?


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