Thursday, January 27, 2011

Note to Self....Be True!

Apparently, being TRUE to oneself is one of the hardest tasks that us humans can ever be yet follow day to day. We ALL fall under false pretenses and want more out of life, we want more out of ourselves without having to do the work. All we should focus on is allowing ourselves to really portray nothing but......the TRUTH!

Lately I've been hearing a lot about losing oneself in a relationship, how by not listening and not paying attention to what really matters, a part of the soul and a part of the person goes missing. Yet, when it comes down to wanting to rely on that foundation that one builds upon,  it's not there. So that's the turning point where false emotions, false smiles, even false events start overflowing in our world, and by the time we recognize it, it's too late. We've created a false life!

In my experience with this subject, I lived a false life from the moment I was a child until I was 17 years old in 2001. Now remember, I come from a Hispanic Roman Catholic family and my parents both derive from Mexico. They were taught that a man should be with a woman and they should marry, become Husband and Wife, the Husband should work and provide for his family while his Wife stays at home to cook, clean, and have children. In my family household, this is exactly how life was.

We children were taken care of and made sure food was on the table and clothes were on our backs, and most importantly, my parents made sure love was given to each of us kids. Although, I knew I was different from my siblings from a very young age. I was teased constantly by one of my brothers because I showed a more "feminine" side of myself, a more emotional side than he ever did. It never bothered me what he would say about me or the way he would tease me, he was just irritating because he wouldn't let it go for the longest time! My sister was nurturing and protected me till no end (she still does, that's why she's my business manager). As I've said before I was taught to love and respect others for whomever they were, and was taught that I was a child of God and that HE would always protect me in any case and/or instance.

When in my teens, I was constantly badgered by the burning question, "Are you GAY?" or "Why do you have girlfriends and no guy friends?" or "You like the Spice Girls?" Now come on, who didn't like the Spice Girls?! Nosy people I know, but it always came up. I always had to change the subject and actually objectify girls so my cover wouldn't be blown. Until the day came that my heart and attraction was focused on a friend of mine. Although I fell for him, I respected him so much that I could never reveal my true feelings (this went on for 2 years). I remember getting so mad for the school having Pep Rally's because it would cut my time in class with him (I was koo-koo!) I fell hard!

When he fell for the love of HIS life, I couldn't believe it! My heart was destroyed and the GOD foundation I was raised with wasn't there to catch me, and I very well couldn't tell my parents either. I fell into a deep depression which made me lose 14 lbs. in 3 weeks and I was crying by the minute. Not even my friends knew what to do or knew what was happening. I was forced to come out to everyone and give up my false life, so they wouldn't think I was crazy or just plain stupid! It was one of the hardest things I had to do face head on. By that time I had graduated high school and thankfully I didn't have to go to school to face my embarrassment. I had friends that understood, and others that turned their backs on me, it was a very lonely time for a 17 year old. Luckily, my sister saw my emotional and physical distress and took me away to her home for the next 2 months so I could recuperate and bounce back. With her help and her best friends help, I was able to change my appearance and work from the outside in. When I came home, I was enrolled in Confirmation classes (last of 3 initiating Catholic-Christian Rites). That's where I met MY best friend and he re-introduced me the amazing love GOD is and how my battle was with myself and no one else. I had been hurt so bad that I blamed everyone else for what happened (I was the typical angry teen, still depressed inside).

Since then, it took me all the way until I was 25 years old to really LOVE myself and not care what the world viewed me as. That's also when my relationship with GOD came to full bloom. I learned and now know that my friend, the one I fell for, came into my life for me to use as a tool, meant for me to really learn and come to terms with who I really am and who I was supposed to become.

 I learned a valuable lesson in my teen years and early 20's...the more you stray away from yourself, the further you'll get away from the TRUTH. I never valued myself to be anything worth more than just another speck in this world, until I came to realize that ALL of us have a purpose in this world, that is:

To be TRUE to oneself, to portray nothing but.....

the TRUTH.

1 comment:

  1. Absolutely beautiful Erik, thank u for that bit of insight to ur world! Ur right we do lose ourselves n only have ourselves to blame for our unhappiness! I tend to forget to love myself n need to do myself right n really start loving myself again...Thank you, you've set the tone for the rest of my day n year...