Thursday, January 13, 2011
"Will I EVER recover from being Damaged?"
This seems to be the question that everyone, at least once or twice in their life, will ask themselves over and over again and want a response within the next minute of them asking it.
I see so many of you in my chair at the salons pouring out your hearts about the one person who did a number on you, and let me be the first to say, that I feel everything you guys feel. From the anguish, to the tears, the heartbreak, the words of resentment, etc. Being "Damaged" comes with a lot of excess baggage that were not ready to deal with. We ask ourselves, "Where do I start?", "I can't think straight", "Please show me a sign"....were vulnerable to the point that this is when we start to really look up into the skies and ask the man upstairs for an answer. Unfortunately, the signs will lead to what we DON'T want to see or hear., rather what we NEED to see and hear.
In 2006 I remember being so hurt and finally wanting to actually give up my FAITH and the actual BELIEF in GOD. I was so tired of being stepped on and being the one person who always wore my heart on my sleeve, so much that it seemed that the whole WORLD kept throwing stones at me. I kept saying, "Really, if there is a GOD, where the HELL are you? I feel nothing but hatred and disappointment and all you really have to offer is my heartbreak! I need nothing from you!"
Yes, very strong words, as I said, I was done....my whole attitude was so negative, my hairstyling was in a funk, I hated being at work and most of all, I hated being in the presence of fake people who thought this GOD had great things for them. So many by that point had shunned me out and turned their backs on me, and I always kept going and going with no end. UNTIL, a Monday morning came along. My best friend Jason woke me up and invited me to go visit a a friend of ours, Father Juan, in the mountains at his retreat home. Like a devil, I refused, spouting everything known to man and telling him why I wasn't going. Well, he stood at my door for the next 20 min. to make sure I said yes and also that I would be the one driving. So, up we went, with my heart as hard as a rock, I kept thinking, "Yeah, Ok, this is ridiculous". While up at the retreat home, I was left to my own discord to figure out my issues. I kept seeing the green mountains, the plants, trees...and I had it out with GOD for the next 3 hours. I was called back to pray for 30 min, anything I wanted, and, I refused, I stood there for 30 min critiquing someone's hair in the meantime. Then I was told to go back outside to find my answer, and not to come back in until I found it. So I went back outside, and sat in the middle of a green mountain field...I closed my eyes, and looked up....I felt a ray of light slowly overcoming my body, I was paralyzed and couldn't move...so I peeked in front of me, and the spotlight was literally on me! I asked, "Is this YOU? If it is, I need YOU"...the ray of light grew so strong that I was sweating and my left eye watered a tear, and then a gust of wind pushed me....as I caught myself with my hands, I opened my eyes and knew what was in me, HE took away. I came back into the house glowing and said, "I will NEVER doubt GOD again!" Father Juan smiled at me and hugged me.
Needless to say, that was the very LAST time I ever had a doubt in the power of healing. I'm not saying that you need to go on a spiritual retreat or you have to test your FAITH. I do ask that you challenge yourself to really look inside and bring out what is so toxic, what is really making you have so much pain. In order to smile ONE must survive the good along with the bad, for it is then that you will really value how strong you really are. I've always said that no one can ever piece you back together except for YOU. You must sew yourself back together in order for the rest of the world to see that IT IS possible to recover...IT IS possible to see a light....IT IS possible to say to yourself:
"I RECOVERED from being Damaged!"