2 weeks ago I went to Amoeba in Hollywood where there's music and DVD's galore!! It makes me miss Tower Records and Virgin Megastores I must say. Anyway, every time I go there I spend anywhere up to 2 hrs there looking for new music and movies to expand my vision and perspective of Pop Culture. Luckily this time, it was only 45 min that I was there, surprisingly!
I picked up a few DVD's, one of which was an independent film that was in the Gay/Lesbian section of the store aptly titled "Save Me", it was chosen as one of the Sundance Film Festival featured selections back in 2007.
"Save Me"
A sex and drug addicted young man who is forced into a Christian-run ministry in an attempt to cure him of his "gay affliction", where instead he is faced with the truth in his heart and spirit.
It seriously took me 3 weeks to watch because of my schedule, I was watching it bit by bit and taking it in slowly. Then when I finished the movie, it reminded me of how I used to feel when I was in Youth Ministry a couple years back. From the ages 18-25 I was so torn and almost felt like I was leading a double life..Gay and still Love GOD??? What??? Yet, a BIG difference between the film and my life was that I wasn't in a rehab or had any alcohol or drug abuse, thankfully!
In the film, the main character, Mark, has been leading a reckless life and nearly comes face to face with death until his family brings him to a ministry where they're NOT trying to change him, rather devote his time and life to GOD and set things in his life right. Throughout the film Mark has struggles with trying to really find his path in life.. a new path... and whether or not this path is the one GOD or the people around him want him to follow. It really gives a glimpse to a TRUE struggle, one with which I could definitely identify firsthand.
In my years in Ministry, help was needed and not enough people were stepping up to teach and relate to teenagers. I swear after every year I helped out, I would always say it was my last year helping, it became a long running joke and was asked of me every year I would come back to help. It was a very trying time and yet a time of self discovery. Many would say that I was too "OUT" there to teach teens about GOD, I was not the "Set" role model as the other helpers were, so to be on the outside that is. As any young adult would have it, I would date and have fun with friends, safe fun of course, yet, I would question every single act because I felt almost compelled to give up my fun times to keep others happy and for them to see that I was fully committed to serving GOD and his ministry. I would ask myself,
"Why GOD would you put me in this LIFE to suffer and be conflicted?"
Retreats helped a lot, and speaking to priests and other youth ministers helped as well, yet nothing helped so much as that time when I truly felt GOD...you can read that blog here: http://busylittlequeen.blogspot.com/2011/01/will-i-ever-recover-from-being-damaged.html
As I have put it before, this was ALL in my head, I was my own destruction and my own worst enemy inside. GOD has nothing but LOVE for everyone and allows us to LIVE freely, and allows us to make our decisions. Although, with every action comes a sacrifice, and with every sacrifice comes a NEW beginning, something the character in this film Mark learns along the way, and something I learned 7.5 years serving in Youth Ministry. These days it's hard to go to church services because of my career schedule, yet, when I have the opportunity to go, I'm the first one there! GOD is present in my LIFE everyday, every week, every hour I'm able to live, and even though I have my flaws, being GAY is certainly NOT one of them.
If anything, it's a gift to learn from and to be able to teach others that it is possible to be in this world
Living GAY and Loving GOD.
Living GAY and Loving GOD.
What a beautiful post...I remember when we used to have lunch together (miss those days), and you would tell us about your conflicted feelings. I listened but couldn't help thinking how lucky those kids were to experience the pure kindness and generosity you offer so naturally. For those who didn't understand that the God they claim to believe in gave divinity to ALL children and that we are ALL God's children, it truly is their loss. I thank God you realized that because so many other wonderful GLBT souls don't. I'm also so happy that my son was born in a time where judging people by the color of their skin or sexual orientation may be a thing of the past when he's grown. I know our lives are so much richer for having people like you in our lives--and I wouldn't trade that for anything in the world. Love ya, BLQ!
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