"I'm feeling so good right now! Everything is making sense, there's enough to go around, I feel empowered, and there's nothing that can make me feel otherwise!"
"Is this real or is there something that's going to happen to ruin my happiness?"
The truth is y'all....it's called PARANOIA!
Not to say that you're always gonna be happy or that you're never gonna feel down and all you want to do is eat everything in sight, but as always, there's a time for everything in it's rightful place.
As a child that came from a broken home, it was devastating when my parents grew apart, yet seeing everything my 2 older siblings and I did, it was meant for the best. For so long after that I had to deal with 2 sides of EVERYTHING and having to please my Mom and my Dad on every request that was asked of me. Very difficult for a 9 year old but I managed somehow. I remember having to see my Mom date and having to deal with how the way I felt, it was very unnerving and I remember thinking, "This is just wrong! I want my family back!" I knew deep inside that my family would never be the same after the divorce, but yet a priest at that time in church happen to say in one of his homily's, "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger!"
So years after my Mom happened to marry and I was such an angry teen! I felt like she was just thinking about herself and not wanting to know what our true feelings were about it. This is why I would lock myself in my room, design clothes, designed hairstyles, and recorded my favorite music shows of my favorite artists..it was "ME" time and it was what made me happy. Whenever I had the opportunity to be in my world I would take full advantage of it, and when those Happy Moments came to me, I ALWAYS used to think:
"What is going to ruin my smile now? Is my Mom going to yell at me? Is she going to want me to participate in family time? Is she going to tell me I need to do something for HER yet again? Am I grounded yet again?"
So basically, earlier when my parents got divorced, it was my Mom that had presented the divorce to my Dad, so from that moment on I was expecting her to ruin ALL my Happy Moments , and OH did my Mom have her way lots of times!!! Yet I never looked at my Happy Moments and took them in as I should have. Now I look back and see a lot of times where I was Happy and I automatically would stop myself from enjoying what I loved most, my ARTS..cause I was so worried that I was waiting to look for the catch that would ruin everything. Talk about a "Debbie Downer" and a "Negative Nancy" combined!
Paranoia had set in from age 9, I still have it here and there, but now I'm able to enjoy ALL the good and Happy moments GOD has brought me!
Again, I always remember what our priest said in that specific homily, and now I will say it to all of you to remind yourselves to enjoy your Happy moments :
"What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger!"
P.S. My Mom and I have a good understanding now : )