Tuesday, June 27, 2017

-->B.L.Q. 0 Era Pt.1<--

B.L.Q.0 Era Pt. 1

Its been 2.5 years since I last posted any of my thoughts...
well, this ERA I like to call the
 "B.L.Q. 0 Pt. 1".

It starts from "Where do I Stand?" and goes to "Make It Count". 

Part 2 will come later in the year, for now, 
enjoy these thoughts at your leisure.

Where Do I Stand?

This BASIC question can trigger so many other questions and leave you with NO answers.

Being stuck in the middle of BLACK and WHITE with no comfort zone can be an unconscious decision yet one that we determine for ourselves should we be indecisive. 

One way or the other, there's always a pleasing factor involved to see where we fit in LIFE

All these thoughts beg to ask the question:

"Where do I stand?"

The answer is pretty stand wherever you'd like to stand, as long as you feel a need to be there and you feel comfortable with yourself.

There is such a thing as the "Gray" zone. A zone where many people feel the need to be a part of, not because they don't belong in the black and white comfort zones, more than likely because they WON'T belong in those areas.

Nothing breaks us down more that having the need to belong to someone or something. The more we understand what we want the more we have the need to not call ourselves black or white. Yet there's also a huge population that feel comfortable being in either black or white, and if that fits them, there's nothing wrong with it.

 Case in point, both my parents love the black and white spectrum, that is who they are and who they'll always be.

Knowing you belong is half the battle, while representing who you are is of the utmost important aspect because it is YOU who will showcase to the world that you can be a mix of the LIFE and still live a different perspective than the 'normal' population.

I've always considered myself a little bit of this and a little bit of that with a splash of sparkle. While most can take it as me being wishy washy, it's more of a collection of my past, who I am in my present, and what I want my future to become.

I'm as much part of my rainbow as I'm much part of my cross...

That is where I stand.

The Reality: Faith & Sexuality

It's not getting any easier going on's getting harder.

My young years and into my teens, there was a lot of late teens and young adult years, I had to come out and convince myself of my own exploration. In my late 20's and early 30's, I'm losing people.

Losing people when I was younger wasn't as hard hitting as it is now. In my early 20's I was still discovering myself, yet still abiding by my morals and making sure I didn't push the envelope as much. I remember seeing the whole "LIFE" thing as a game until reality set in. 

I wasn't allowed to be me and express my views. There's always been more to me than just being "Gay" though the fact that I'm a hair/make-up artist doesn't really help my cause much. 

Behind closed doors, I'm a chip eating, blanket wearing, movie watching guy who simply loves to relax and watch the world be it's own entity. I don't live the gay lifestyle, whatever that might mean to any of you out there. I keep guarded to make sure my heart and mind stay afloat from the criticism my own career has of my craft. Most importantly I make sure to keep my communication open with the one and only who has gotten me through my toughest times...GOD.

I'm a rare breed to be Hispanic, Gay, and Faithful. I made this joke years ago that ultimately became my reality:

"I'm too Gay for the straights and I'm too Straight for the gays"

Yet I don't feel alone. I did way back when I was discovering all of my many sides. Though the reality of my sexuality has come at a cost of my faith as well.

Communication with my Mom has become extinct. She's chosen to follow her 'Faith' and refuses to see me as anything  but damaged. She said it herself late last year and I can't tell you how much it STILL stings and hurts. It made me question so much and even those around me. With that, I lost a part of me that I've been unable to regain. 

Inside I became angry and refused to believe that ANY love exists, especially if the love of a mother can be extinguished as fast as she ultimately did it. A friend of mine asked me this question after the incident:

"If GOD offered to make you straight to have your Mom back in your life, would you take him up on the offer?"

I said no, because GOD made me this way for a reason, HE knows that I'll survive, and ultimately, if I was straight, it would all still be a fallacy, because this is my reality and nothing I do differently would make another outcome.

Would I make people look at me differently or pay attention to what else I had to offer if I wasn't gay? 

No. I wouldn't want to change me. 
My 17 year old self would've said yes, yet knowing what I know now, I realize why I made decisions the way I made them. I don't regret ONE BIT who I've become. 

They say it takes sacrifice to be able to reach higher ground, and as it so rightfully says in the Bible in John 14:6

Jesus said to him,

 “I am the way, and the truth, and the life.

 No one comes to the Father except through me."


I choose to believe in a just GOD, and I continue to be who I am, someone who GOD made me to be...

The Reality.

The personal choice of letting go

I always thought that usually when it meant to "Let Go", the Universe would take care of it and *POOF*, everything was done and you were left with this void waiting for it to get filled in time.

At least, I've never taken the initiative to do so...until now.

I can't tell you the amount of time its taken me to confirm with myself that what I did, what I chose, what I really felt in my heart was the right thing to do. No loss of sleep, thankfully, if anything its been the ride to work, the ride home, when my mind isn't occupied on formulating the right color or trying to send a politically correct answer text that I'm trying to articulate to a selfish client. 

Honestly, when I sleep, I really get the rest I need. My mind shuts off and drifts into an abyss of clouds that to tell you the truth, 9 times out of 10, I don't remember where I go, and when I do, I try to see where my dreams full of premonitions fit in my current state of mind. 

The first time I chose to let go I actually kept having premonition like dreams. I kept dreaming of darkness, spider webs, sewer like conditions with lots of rain. It was one after the other for almost a week. As much as I kept trying to shake it off, I couldn't.

Then it happened.

There's only so much you can discover about yourself especially when being put in a position where there's nothing left to do but to cut the chord, to put it lightly. For weeks after I kept going over my decision and kept having that guilty feeling and saying to myself,
"Did I really make the right choice?"

I have to be honest and say that it didn't get better with time, and yet it didn't get worse. If anything it was a stagnant feeling, a very numb couple months until I could really say to myself, "O.K. I think, no, I believe this was the right thing to do."

The point overall, was that I CHOSE to let go. I didn't feel free, I felt like I was floating and wasn't seeing an end to my gravity like essence for a while. Therapy definitely helped, praying and talking to GOD was essential, and having to ACCEPT what I had CHOSEN was key. In the end, I grew to respect my own decision and as hard as it was to come to terms with it and turn every tear into a smile, was it worth it?



It's been a while...

I wanted to live LIFE for a bit...

I've seen, I've experienced, I've taken notice...

Now I'm ready to speak up once again...

and finally say...

It's time to breakaway.

Change is a necessity, as well as making a greater path for oneself. I've always wanted to allow others to follow in my footsteps of allowing their hearts to take over, and yet, I myself have experienced that being vulnerable isn't always the best answer.

Strength does come in great numbers, although, it's also reinforced by identifying yourself in the best way you know how. As everything seems so far out of reach, the one thing that will never be out of reach is acceptance, that of your OWN will and ability to be you.

With every year that comes around I'm always aware of what works and what doesn't.

Sometimes, its best to change the path to best fit a simplistic way of life.
I no longer have the need to fight for myself as I once did.