Here's The Thing...

Believe in ANYTHING you want....

Do WHATEVER it is your heart desires....

MAKE yourself into whomever you'd like to become....

However....

Don't EVER blame others for your own mistakes

and

Don't EVER believe you're ABOVE anyone or anything.

Many things happen in life to where at times we cannot explain the outcome were facing right in front of us. We want to UNDERSTAND so much that it's best to just let situations unravel at their own pace. Quite the struggle right?!

 Many years ago my mentor had said this exact statement to me:

"The Holy Spirit comes with many gifts for you, and ONE of the most important he bestows upon you is the gift of UNDERSTANDING. There will come a day where you won't UNDERSTAND what's going on at the exact time you're faced with the TRUTH, yet that day will be the day you will feel you truly UNDERSTAND inside and out why things are the way they became."

Of course I felt severely confused when he said this to me, I even told him he was crazy and his CLEAR response was:

"I am crazy!! Crazy for GOD!"

He is now a Deacon and a great one might I add. 

When learning to deal with UNDERSTANDING, many forms of individuals come our way, in and out of our lives in order for us to learn from each other. Many will test us along with wanting to see what will become of us if we choose NOT to UNDERSTAND. Needless to say, buttons will be pushed to our absolute limit. of course, it's better to see things from an outside perspective and allow the action of UNDERSTANDING take its rightful place, 

no matter what our feelings are on the inside. 

  What makes this a victory is the fact that no matter what's been said and/or what's been done, CHOOSING to let others become what it is they've always wanted to become is the greatest form of UNDERSTANDING that could be shown and expressed. You let others be and take care of their own selves for once and who knows, maybe in due time they'll have their epiphany of what it truly means to UNDERSTAND others and why the world is the way it is. 

I myself have taken the responsibility of allowing others to blame their frustrations and poor choices on me... why you ask?  I know the day will come for them to face the world on their own without having a shield and they will be FORCED to UNDERSTAND the many wonders of the world's outcome. They will come to appreciate one day this gift of UNDERSTANDING for what it truly means on the inside as well as on the outside. 

NOTHING and NO ONE is greater on this earth than the one that allows us to conceptualize what it means to UNDERSTAND...and even then, we will continue to learn and teach others about our experiences for the GREATER GOOD.

The Privacy of Prayer

As a child, I was told that it's better to keep your prayers to yourself, for GOD hears you louder when it's inside your heart and not in everyone else's ears. From time to time, being the child that would challenge everything I was told "NOT" to do, I would share what I was praying for and of course, it seemed as if my prayers weren't being answered in the way I wanted GOD to answer them. 

Fast Forward to Teen Years.

As a teenager I strayed further away from my faith as I've mentioned before, though my prayers kept getting more and more silent with no one EVER knowing that I was even religious. It was weird how I kept saying my prayers at night in a soft whisper, then during the day I would deny the fact that I even believed in GOD. Talk about internal issues.

Now to the Adult Years.

I can't express how important it was for me to continue not only my prayers to GOD, though to also continue my exploration of the ONE being that has seen it all. The more I've prayed from my 'Young Adult Years' to now being in my late 20's, the more I've been able to grow in every aspect internally and continue to do so. 

On Facebook, everyday practically (with the couple times I'm unable to login due to my packed days), I leave a "message" for anyone who's interested in receiving a little bit of a push and/or love for the day. Many have responded to these "messages" as a light of HOPE and CLARITY and "something they needed to hear". I leave these messages on my wall because I know there's someone out there who needs that PUSH as much as I do. They're my outspoken prayers.

There are times when as humans we stay silent and can't share what's going on inside us because we're afraid of being judged and/or afraid of our own sorrow, which many times can be compared to weakness. I'm ONE to say that the only weakness we have as humans is the INABILITY to share what's in our hearts. We create our own sorrow by allowing and convincing ourselves that our thoughts and emotions are no good. NOT TRUE.

A Tear is dead weight that needs to be shed, whether the memory is anywhere from 2 months to 100 years old. Guilt and Anger is our old skin that's being hardened and is ready to be shed in order for our new skin to come in and get ready for our next phase. Any Sadness left over is the last of our sorrow, and most of the time, we can't shake it out ourselves...this is where Prayer comes in.

If the question is:

"I don't know how to Pray?"

Well...how about instead of thinking of your sadness, share your sadness out loud. Express how you can't shake it and how long it's taken you to get over the last of your sorrow. Cry if you need to, shake if your body can't take what's inside, if anything, taste the tears. Then ASK for help and ACCEPT you can't do this alone. None of us can. 

I used to tell my teens that I used to teach a couple years back this exact saying:

 "If you're waiting for GOD to open the door to you standing in front of it, you'll be there forever. You have to knock in order for HIM to hear you, and once he hears you, he'll be more than happy to open the door and let you in."

A Prayer is talking to HIM, a conversation between YOU and HIM.

Allow HIM hear you, he'll keep your privacy.

Silent Prayers are good...Talking to GOD is even BETTER.

That is the Privacy of Prayer...

YOU and HIM.

Embrace and Live the Memory

Leave it up to the essence of LIFE to make you feel what you need to in that exact moment where you finally go:

"I get it."

The TRUTH shall set you FREE...and in so many ways...it sure does...

and in very MANY ways, it breaks and rebuilds you.

 Nothing makes me more mad than to think that at one point, 

I felt genuinely indestructible and felt like all I needed was the warmth that my heart had discovered. NOTHING never felt so real. 

Year after year, the embrace and life of this memory at times grows stronger, while in other times it's grown to fade as I've wanted to forget I ever lived it because I felt responsible for building up something so tall yet so fragile in its ability to survive the strongest winds.

Responsibility for giving myself the possibility, 

responsibility for giving myself the honest TRUTH.

Nothing in this LIFE ever feels real until you learn to take a stand and fight for what it is you truly love. More than tears, more than strength, more than possibility, ALL means nothing if you don't understand what it is you're meant to be put up against. 

I can't sit here and write to you and say that there's one regret I have, because I honestly don't regret anything I've ever said or done. I've held back in moments where I should've spoken up and made others believe in my point of view, though I knew in some way or another, that I would be the only one in my corner understanding evrything I was feeling from the inside out. 

Yet, that's OK. 

Trying to convince someone of your heartfelt connection is something that at most times, is a one way street. Most people take the time hear you out to a certain degree, then tune out because they don't know what it feels like to die to oneself, though whether your 10, 20, 30, 40, 50, 60 or even 70 years old, there does come a moment when you do die to yourself and begin from scratch. 

It's one of the most TRAGIC yet most BEAUTIFUL experiences to go through.

Nothing prepares you for it, the only thing you have to go by is the memory that at one point made you indestructible. 

Take it from me, don't try to erase it...

 Embrace and Live the Memory.

Keep my Shit Together

As I'm drawing near the end of my 20's and go into my 30's, I'm wondering if it'll feel any different?? Will I literally be closing another decade of LIFE and be looking towards a new one?

Yes yes, I know most of you are saying,

"What are you talking about?? You're still young!!! 30 is nothing!"

Now I'm not saying I'm old, I'm just reminiscing about what I've been through in my decade of 

LIFE from 2003-2013.

I've always wandered what it would've been like had I just gone for a regular 9-5 Monday through Friday day to day job?! In 2003 I was building my clientele from ZERO and making sure I pleased every single client in my chair (nothing's changed, I'm doing the same now). Though back then believe it or not, Happy Hour existed in my world! I was in my last stages of watching MTV and I was trying to find myself through the power of Prayer. 

My concern in my thought process back then was, 

"What hair color should I be this month?"

My how things have changed! I hardly have any hair on top of my head these days, 

let alone have time to color it!

Now in 2013, I've accomplished more than what I've ever had imagined accomplishing thanks be to GOD! I pull double shifts most of the time and make sure every hair is in place for my clientele's as well as following specific direction to desired hair colors and haircuts. It might seem like I just work all the time and have no fun for myself, and I really have to say that what you see, is not really what's going on completely. 

I do have fun, it's just I don't need a trip to The Netherlands to showcase my ability to relax. What really allows me to relax altogether is a movie, a blanket, a pillow and an Iced or Hot Chair Tea Latte. That to me is fun and relaxing...going out from time to time sounds like fun, though it was MUCH MORE appetizing back in 2003 than now in 2013.

My concern in my thought process NOW in 2013 is,

"I need to keep my shit together!"

To make a DREAM happen you have to keep things in line, and 3 of the most important that I've learned along the way are the follwing:

*Heart

*Mind

*Soul

Priorities are a must, and every week I have to look out for what will not only benefit me, rather what will benefit my outcome to my future as a whole. With LIFE happening everyday and making sure I'm ON at all times, the little special time that I have for ME is very precious in it's own unique way. I make the effort to keep EVERYTHING that represents me in order, at times that means SACRIFICING quite a bit. 

In 2003 I had NO clue what it meant to sacrifice blood, sweat and tears for what it is that you truly want out of LIFE. Having said that, in the current state of 2013, I've THANKFULLY achieved 85% of my dreams...I have 15% to go and now going into my 30's, I have 10 more years to achieve it.

LIFE is what you make of it,

If you believe in it,

You can make it AND SURVIVE with help along the way.

So much More Than What It Is

Many of you know that I just returned from a 6 day vacation I had decided to take many months ago with the help of proper planning. 

What many of you don't know was that it was more than a getaway vacation for me. I've been to the lovely city of Spokane, Washington before, 

though this trip was a different kind of sorts. 

As much as I say that I am very vocal about what I say, I'm also very private in what I choose to let out and allow to stay in my heart. Prior to this trip, I'd been having a bit of a rough time internally as well as at times emotionally. 

Food makes it all better for me at any given point, though of course it's not the healthiest. 

To sum it up all in ONE word, it was the EXPECTATION that was getting to me. 

I'm expected to solve a lot of issues within my personal life and that of my career path. I'm expected to look into the future to understand my current state of mind, for which I'm just as clueless as any other human on earth. I'm expected to be on my best behavior, no matter what is said to me and in ANY tone it is given to me. I'm expected to stay STRONG for others firsthand before giving thought to my own situations. 

Everyday was being brought a new form of situation that I could only handle one by one, and even then, the stack kept growing until I finally made the leap up North. 

The first night I spent there I had to get everything out, I had to have a good cry because I couldn't get a hold of what was squeezing me so hard on the inside. Feeling so much EXPECTATION reminded me of a couple years ago when in a bitter argument I had asked my Mom (aka Mommy Dearest),

"Am I not enough for you?"

Her silence said it all.

Differences are just that, they're forbidden pieces that are NOT meant to fit in our puzzle of LIFE. Everyday that I kept waking up in Spokane I kept counting on having some sort of an epiphany that would make me soothe the pressure I kept feeling. Notice how "kept" is present during this time. It was an everyday search that made me want to seek more and ask GOD not for clarity, but ask HIM to enlighten the light in my heart, allow it to come to fruition by the time I came back to reality. 

Needless to say, I didn't want to leave the comfort of my heart's warmth while exploring more and more of what I was longing for in the cold weather of the North East, though I knew that deep inside there was a breakthrough, there was an unforeseen measurement that made me look at my time there as my continued therapy and at that point I knew I had grown more in my clarity. 

At times in a weak state of mind we ASK for strength to get us by. What we don't see at that point is that we already have the strength we so long desire, we just haven't found it's sense of use for it at the moment. Looking for answers is the least of what we should be on the hunt for. We need to look for the ability to stand up tall and know what were able to determine and separate what belongs in our hearts and what belongs in our minds.

Whatever had come with my EXPECTATION had come with baggage,

baggage of which I was able to leave behind in the abyss of cleansing waters.

So much more than what it is and so much more than what it was,

I'm glad I was able to catch myself in time before it was too late.

On the Inside

Everything shows on the outside,

our hair, our skin, our expressions, our iconography, our deceptions, our happiness.

All of which lie within us on the inside, and we bring out what we choose to make OTHERS happy.

Though when the time comes to bring out OUR opinions to challenge the world as it has challenged us, were told to hold back for there can be a backlash on what we say or do. 

To a degree I'm able to stand with this, although I've always had a mouth on me that's always wanted to challenge those who don't see the world as I seem to see it. There's nothing worse than having to go with the crowd when ALL you want to say is, "Let me show you what I see and let's try this!"

"On the outside we show the security,

on the inside we have the insecurity,

it's what holds down our foundation.

On the inside we build the walls,

on the outside we shatter and watch things fall,

it's what tears us apart in every condition. 

In our eyes we see it all,

In our hearts we feel it all,

Inside and Out we are what we are,

Human to a fault."

--->Erik Velasco

If every time I listened to every criticism about me then I can tell you straight out that I wouldn't be able to sit here and write to you about how to be able to speak your mind from the depths of your gut. I've been told to shut up, to listen to my own advice, to give a little more thought to what I'm sending out in the world, and I've been told to just stand there and do hair. I wasn't given permission to lead a vocal LIFE, nor did I EVER need permission from anyone. All I needed was the experience and the pain to make it real and have it come to LIFE on it's own. 

That's ALL we ever need in LIFE, we need our own experiences to know that what we hold on the inside is real and others should know about what's in our hearts and minds. 

Be afraid of what you might NOT be able to say,

Don't EVER be afraid of what is needed to be said.

Lead by example

To "Choose" or NOT to "Choose"

Today on Facebook I stumbled upon a video that many of my friends were sharing on their timelines, and most of them had the same question in mind, 

"Really??? People choose to be GAY?"

So of course I had 2 minutes to spare before my next client walked in and managed to view the video for myself and I have to say I found it quite interesting. 

As many of us know the nation right now is in review of Proposition 8 (for those of you not into politics like myself, though I like to research, Prop 8 deals with the right to have same sex marriage validated and legalized by the state) and I have come across MANY responses to YAY or NAY concerning the matter, ALL of whom these individuals remain friends of mine (I myself personally DO NOT judge based on opinion, for actions speak LOUDER than words) and for the most part, the individuals STILL get services performed by yours truly...funny right?!

In any case, the HOMOSEXUAL aspect of LIFE is always going to be taboo until the end of time, AND that's OK! YES...its OK! WHY????? Well, because the existence of HOMOSEXUALITY has been on this earth since the beginning of time, as GOD created black and white, he also created gay and straight, so on and so forth. 

I've heard it all,

"Ewwww you're Gay??"

"Do you like being Gay??"

"Does GOD even like Gays??"

"How do you feel about being the ONLY Gay in your family?"

Though this one is my ultimate favorite,

"Do you choose to be Gay?"

This question was posed in the video to many individuals who for some reason had the mentality that being Gay is something that is chosen by certain people, and not something you're born being. The funny part for me was when the interviewer asked, 

"When did you know you were straight?" 

The answer??? 

"I was born straight!"

Hmmmmm....WOW! 

By any means, please don't take this as a bashing on my behalf, I am simply stating that it's pretty funny to hear an oxymoron of this nature in 2013. I for myself can at least CLARIFY this aspect of the question for those who are still confused by the "You choose to be Gay" statement. 

I DO NOT know ONE person that would choose to be ridiculed by others in society. I'm sure if this was a situation that had an "On/Off" switch, 9 times out of 10 it would be "OFF". As children WE know were different, yet we need guidance in understanding what were feeling, NOT criticism and certainly NOT judgment. As teenagers, we feel the worst of it all because not only are our hormones raging, our minds are not in the right frame, were confused and want to fit in where we can. Those of us raised in spiritual homes are taught that anything out of the so-called "normal" marriage, 2 kids and a house is simply OUT of the question and we should be heathens and be sent to hell unless we change our ways to reflect "normalcy". Can someone PLEASE tell me how this frame of mind is a "sane" and "normal" slate to live by?! 

I was personally taught the steps of how to become independent and take care of myself, though I  was never shown how to LOVE myself, I was taught to resist temptation, I was taught to catch any stones thrown my way and heal internally, I was taught to survive the day by not crying my way through LIFE, I was taught to pay my taxes, bills and debts on time, I was taught to ACCEPT others for what they are, though when it came to me, I was taught to ignore myself and sacrifice my understanding for the sake of others. I was also taught to never say anything that would make me a nuisance in the eyes of my elders, and I was taught to NOT follow my heart, though I had to follow the desire of others. 

I my friends did NOT choose this, do you think someone could actually function with what I just mentioned above? The answer is YES, and I am ONE HELL of a person who took on the task of finding out what it really meant to be GOD's child. I knew I was meant for more than just "normalcy".

Being GAY isn't a choice, though LOVING yourself is. We can't choose what we feel, yet we can choose what "family" to have around us.