POST-Survivor

We've all been through that "Moment" in LIFE where we've had to learn how to survive on our own. As much advice as we wanted to get from our loved ones, this "Moment" was designed especially FOR us, BY us. Covering our hearts as best as possible to only become our own shield so we could protect what was rightfully ours. 

 

As the years have veered past us, we accepted pain, learn to take jabs as they come and most importantly, continued on our path according to what would be "The Way" for us. Every scar and scab have had the ability to heal in the comfort of it's own scar tissue. 

It only get's better from here right??!

Yes and Maybe.

Yes...because the new set of individuals that come forth will set us up to rise to the next chapter filled with new challenges and experiences ONLY to make us BELIEVE that we're worth the battle.

Maybe...because within the new set of individuals that come forth will be a handful of them that will take advantage of the newly skilled STRENGTH you've come to gain. 

POST-Survivor

 is what they call this new chapter...

Are you willing to risk it all?

 

My chapter came at the age of 25 when I broke free of my own "Moment". I can tell you now that the wolves dressed in sheep's clothing came out from left and right. It was like these individuals could smell the newly recovered fresh meat. 

 

My temperament was tested, my FAITH was being compromised and the ability to defend myself against them was put on a thin line. 

 

Every year from that exact moment, at least 4 of them came along for the battle. It had been exhausting trying to prove that I was the healthy minded person I'd become "POST-Survivor". UNTIL Year 3 came along at the age of 28 and it clicked in my head and I said,

"I really don't care to have you around!"

I started cutting ties so quick and every single one that wanted to continue this battle I just kept letting them waste their words and dirty minds on what would be THEIR greatest fear of all...they're own taste at solitude. Let me say and declare that I did nothing but literally cut ties and ALL communication, and they did the rest. 

I risked it ALL for the sake of my own peace of mind. I knew I had done the right thing especially when at night, I was comfortable with my actions and my ability to finally sleep with my OWN conscious and no one else's.  By this time, let's just say it was too late to beat around the bush, and quite frankly, it's never been my style. 

Since then I've done it time and time again and each time, I've been able to rise above it in every way. My focus becomes a lot more clearer and I know that I'm finally able 

to get away from what people see,

 a fragile simple-minded creature who understands it all.

POST-Survivor brought a CHANGE,

With that CHANGE came a CHOICE,

That CHOICE is up to YOU.

Given the OPPORTUNITY...would you?

Most often times than not,
we have the notion and play with the thought that if we were given the OPPORTUNITY to go back to that ONE moment in time where it ALL changed for us and we were willing to turn things around, would we even do it???

Truthfully,
LIFE would be a whole different story and we would be in a whole different position. It's pretty scary to think that we can still actually CHANGE the course of action should we want to present something or someone new to the table.

Any course of action comes from a reaction. Nothing of what we bring to our lives is as they say, "Just cause". It's hard to have to make up your mind especially when faced with a LEAP of Faith decision. Of course it always happens that when we become of our own worst fear, we shiver at the thought of even making a decision of ANY sort.

For this reason I ask,

Why be afraid of your own shadow 
when you've come this far?

Choices, decisions, and options ALL brought us to this very moment...the moment where we're able to think for ourselves and choose what we'll move forward with and what will stay behind.

People we come across, situations we consider and even phases that pass through our lives, they all contain a fair amount of uncertainty and once the storm passes, we have the moment of reflection and wonder what would've been like had we gone the other way.



When in this state of reflection, it's good to wonder...NOT linger. Lingering on and on will result in fear of our own shadow. At this point in our state of mind, there's only room for FAITH in UNDERSTANDING that we made the correct choices for the right reasons.



Understanding
A psychological process related to an abstract or physical object, such as a person, situation, or message whereby one is able to think about it and use concepts to deal adequately with that object.

Once having understood, ask yourself this question once again though remember to REMAIN in your position, should you agree to choices YOU made:

"Given the OPPORTUNITY to go back to that ONE moment in time where it ALL changed for you and are willing to turn things around, would you do it???"

Felicity (Part 1)

Oh Felicity! 

How I've missed this show ever since it ended in 2002. Thank goodness for the DVD series so I can continue my love fest whenever I need her in my life.

Actually it's been a couple years now that I've made it a point to go through the full series TWICE a year from beginning to end. Of course every time I watch it, it's almost as if I'm watching it for the first time. 

In case you're unfamiliar with Felicity, here's what you have to look forward to:

The story of 1998 high school graduate Felicity Porter begins with the question that most 17 year old teenagers normally ask themselves while receiving their diplomas on stage,

 "What's next??"

In comes Ben Covington, a teenage boy with whom she spent the last 4 years of her high school career wondering what he was like yet the closest she ever came to being in contact with him was when she took his blood as a donation while volunteering at a blood drive.

The mystery of his being always kept her interest until she FINALLY asked Ben to sign her yearbook at graduation. He took his time to write a message that would change Felicity's heart and mind for the rest of her life.


Instead of saying goodbye to Ben Covington that day, she asked him where he was going to go to college and as he answered, 
"New York...what about you?" She replied, "Uh that's pretty unclear!" 

Much to her parents dismay, she followed her heart and decided to abandon her scholarship opportunity at Stanford University to follow Ben to New York and attend the University of New York. We follow Felicity on her journey of self discovery, love and the ability to make mistakes in order to find her voice in the little world we call LIFE.


I have to tell you, because of Felicity, I learned what being an artist is really like especially when you have to face the world with raw emotion. She paves her way through New York with the most sincere passion that only a true artist can have, and as a young adult would have it, she leaps before she thinks twice when it comes to her decisions. Her parents are her constant battle within every year of her growth into womanhood and yes, all they want to seem to do is shelter her from the cruelty of the world yet they always find a way to make it about themselves, where at one point, Felicity is ready to fend for herself.

On her downtime instead of blogging, much like we do in today's world, Felicity mails tape recordings to her good friend Sally Reardon, where they fill each other with their deepest thoughts ranging from personal feelings to quests that allow them to see the results of their actions, whether right or wrong. Brave souls are usually those who are not afraid to make LIFE happen for them, and these two are TWO PEAS in a POD.

Meanwhile her feelings for Ben make her so vulnerable that with every fight, every tear and every  whispered greeting she makes the conscious decision to please him only to make sure that her heart is as soothed as the touch of his lips. Deep down inside, Ben can't be without Felicity and Felicity can't be without Ben, no matter the circumstance! This is heart wrenching EVERY SINGLE TIME! So many people can come in between them and yet they always find each other at their weakest moment only to solidify what deep feelings they have for one another.
They seal it with their whisper greeting:

Ben:
(Soft Whisper)
"Hiiii"

Felicity:
(Soft Whisper)
"Heeeey"

What makes Felicity so great???

It's message of becoming your own individual, of NOT being afraid to break the rules to make your LIFE better, and most of all, the ACCEPTANCE of being human! Felicity thrives in the imperfection of the soul and daggers the question of what makes the heart have its humility. Nothing speaks more highly than the love one has for LIFE, and along with Felicity, you'll find that her friends and even her college experience will make you want to ask yourself,

"Why on earth did you do that??"

Simple...because that's LIFE.

 

Satisfied.. Conviction Of The Written Word

The written word always gets to me especially in the form of poetry ever since I discovered my love for music when I was a child. 

Since I can remember, I've always paid attention to lyrical content when listening to a song. They say words can have a thousand meanings especially when the emotion is sung with conviction. 

When I was in choir we had a few days to learn our songs and especially our vocal arrangement to make it sound as clear and crisp as the wind. Then when I started singing on my own I actually had trouble staying on key and portraying the conviction let alone deliver what goosebumps a simple love song can give you. So I decided to take vocal lessons to allow myself to get re-introduced to my ear and start listening to myself instead of blending with a group of individuals. 

That was when I started to collaborate with a guitarist and started singing melodies to lyrics that I had written myself in the past few years, and suddenly, my ear was able to absorb and portray 

the conviction of the written word! 

Every heartache needed it's own tear jerking note, while every smile needed it's uplifting vocal run, and every band-aid needed it's own healing melodic whisper. 

This is why I'm a big fan of Jewel. 

Ever since I heard "Who will save your soul" back in 1996, I've been addicted to her voice and what it has to say about her heart shattering lyrics. I always looked at her liner notes about what inspired every song on her albums and tried to catch every live performance she gave on T.V. To date, I continue to love her written word and her vocal ability! 

Bringing me to her 2010 country hit, 

"Satisfied".

The beauty of this song is the fact that the message is put in such simple terms, 

"So did you say it
Did you mean it
Did you lay it on the line
Did you make it count
Did you look 'em in the eye
Did they feel it
Did you say it in time
Did you say it out loud
'cause if you did hun
Then you lived some
That feeling inside
That's called satisfied"

The human heart can live in regret due to not having the ability to be able to speak up.

 LOVE is one of the only words that can be portrayed as a universal action and yet it's one of the  most complex and endearing words in the English language. If it's LOVE you desire, it's as easy as ordering a meal at a restaurant, you have to speak of what it is you're looking for. It's a conviction that has an endless meaning and has the ability to do whatever it is you want it to do. 

Afraid of it???

Don't be...just go one step at a time...as soon as you're able to speak the TRUTH from your heart, you'll see that the reality of it all lies in the amount of strength your words contain. 

If you can write LOVE, then you can also speak LOVE, it's that satisfying.

The Dream Process

Way back when I remember when it came down to going to sleep at night, I used to snuggle in my bed somewhere between 10-11pm...I was knocked out usually within 5 minutes! 

Well, these current days have changed quite a bit!
My mind stays wired for a couple hours after I finish my work shifts and let me tell you, my head is spinning with questions upon questions about LIFE in general. Everything from how my body's sore up to the last song I was hearing in the car. Yet one thought aspect remains constant when the clock strikes 2 a.m...

Will I dream? 

If so, where will I be?

Dreams can be so vivid that they feel as if you're really living the situation you're in. It's a feverish feeling when you wake up either in a state of confusion, a smile, or in tears. Does this mean that dreams are REAL forms of our lives in an unexpected form?? I tend to believe so.

On a personal aspect, lately my dreams have not ONLY been feeling real,

 they're reflecting my inner thoughts and actions. 

There have been new souls that are showing up whom apparently my outside self recognizes yet on the inside, I'm completely lost. Souls that are no longer here on Earth have also been appearing and wholeheartedly want to know how I've been doing, and yet all I seem to feel from them is inner peace. Another particular being is coming in and out of my subconscious frame of mind and is wanting to speak to me and understand my current state of reflection and my heart, for a specific reason, isn't responding to their care and generosity. Maybe because in real life I'm getting the opposite effect from them.

2 specific dreams have stuck with me lately, the first included one of the most AMAZING and BEAUTIFUL landscape I've ever seen! Green hills with bright blue skies and pearl white puffy clouds with the most amazing scent of PEACE....it was breathtaking! I've been wanting to draw it so that I don't forget the details, though, being as it is, I don't think I ever will. I was able to live this for what seemed to be a whole minute in my dream, in real LIFE it was actually 7 almost 8 hours of sleep.

The second dream revealed the heart of a person I never thought would come to terms with their feelings, let alone the revelation I was told, ALONG with the reason behind it. Again, in this dream, I felt peace, I felt whole and wasn't feeling ANY insecurity whatsoever. What had seemed to be 5 minutes, was actually 6 hours of sleep and woke up with tears streaming down my face. 

What does all this mean???

My interpretation....

All along in my experience here, I've always wanted to live a LIFE of happiness with not a worry to plague me from anything or anyone, a feeling of relief. Slowly since late last year, my dreams have been letting me know what TRUE direction my heart has been heading towards, especially after internally fighting myself for so long. I can't tell you how BEAUTIFUL and breathtaking these dreams have made me felt! Yes, I'm human like everyone else and have my off days, though with dreams like these flowing through me, how am I to avoid them especially when they're appearing for the right reasons.

 I can't ignore the inevitable,

I can only follow and listen to what my DREAMS are leading me to.

Lately

Some of you out there have seen my fascination with the show 'Nashville' on abc! Everything from the music to the characters and let's face it, the DRAMA! 

One of my favorite characters that I love on this show is played by Clare Bowen, a.k.a. Scarlett O'Connor, the whimsical poet/singer/songwriter that is easy to share her heart through her music yet puts up walls when it comes to her personal life. 

If Scarlett was an actual person in real life I would very much love to have a writing session with her especially with that clear melodic voice she vocalizes so effortlessly.

In the show Scarlett cares for her heart in the way that she writes exactly what she's feeling and going through with those she's emotionally invested in. Season 1 had a great introduction to her humble beginnings as a songwriter, and as we got toward the end she took a chance at singing some of her own material landing her a record deal of her own. Now as we near the end in Season 2, she's the opening act to some of Country Music's fictional royalty and is trying to cope with the pressures of being a recording and traveling musician. 

Earlier in Season 2 she was given the opportunity to sing one of her songs that she co-wrote with one of her ex-boyfriends, Gunnar Scott, for the none other Kelly Clarkson. In the show Kelly's looking for new material for her next album and heard one of the demos Gunnar and Scarlett had written called 'Lately'. 

Of course this is an amazing once in a lifetime opportunity for the duo songwriter's, though it's kind of awkward being that they've broken up professionally and romantically by this point and are once again showcasing a song they wrote when they were at their most vulnerable heartfelt state in their relationship. 

Everyone and anyone can relate to this song that simply states a true fact of the heart:

"I've been missing you
I've been missing you, lately"

A romance that wholeheartedly continues to live on, 

inside us all!

Do You Think You'll Make It?

Doubt can get the very best of us in an instant...especially when exploring new "Territory" and taking a chance at LIFE.

When faced with the world, we have ONE of TWO situations:

 --> US against everyone else

or

--> An Individual making it work

Whichever one you decide to pick, they both have ONE thing in common...that is the URGE to make things happen for a greater result. Even then, we have a 50/50 OPPORTUNITY to make it work both physically and emotionally. 

Therefore now we ask this of ourselves,

"Do You Think You'll Make It?"

Ever since I was born in 1983, my family and I have experience the 'Highest of Highs' and the 'Lowest of Lows'. What was once a UNIT for one reason or another we slowly started breaking off and straying away from each other. Of course every family has their nature and especially when it comes to agreeing with one another. Everything from divorce to infighting to jealousy has plagued our UNIT and to this day, slowly but surely, we're starting to mend the damaged relationships one by one.

For as much as we've lost and have doubted ourselves individually and collectively, ONE thing's for sure...we've managed to stay true to our nature and ourselves, WILLING to make it. We've learned to gather our thoughts as individuals, work on what is needed for us to move forward in the proper direction and MOST importantly, put pride aside. Communication seems to be the lacking factor in our case, yet, it's a constant reminder of what COULD our greatest ability should we improve on the ACTION part of the word.

However you look at it, we are to own up to our actions and our feelings 110%. Nothing in this world is one sided, for there's 2 sides to every story told.
As long as we're willing to ACCEPT and OWN up to what we need to work on,
we're Individuals making it work.

WE can make it.